Recovery, Hope & New Life for Ontario Social Worker after Burnout

Out of the shadows: Former social worker quiets own mental health struggles through music 

Amanda Moore, May 19, 2013, Niagara This Week.

They say that music heals the soul, only it wasn’t Paul Federici’s soul that needed healing. The St. Catharines native was burnt out.

His stressful job in the mental health field was starting to take its toll. He was overwhelmed. Anxious. Depressed.

“At one point my dad had to come and move in with me,” said Federici, who is establishing roots in Grimsby. “My nerves were so bad and I had become so depressed that I couldn’t be left alone for long periods of time.”

Friends knew nothing about the darkness inside Federici’s mind. He put on a fake smile and pretended to be the funny, outgoing guy he was known as.

Coworkers also had no idea that one of their own was facing a mental health crisis.

Federici would show up at 9 a.m. and stay much past 5 p.m., often putting in 10-hour days. His job became his life. At the end of each day, he barely had the energy to watch television.

“I was mentally exhausted,” he said. “At one point, I remember going to work one day, then driving to CAMH’s (Centre for Addiction and Mental Health) Emergency room that evening thinking I’d need to be admitted,” he said. 

Despite having the greatest opportunity of his young career, Federici had never been unhappier.

“I felt like I was on a treadmill,” he said. 

Out of the darkness, Federici saw a light that used to bring him so much joy — his guitar.

Once, it had been his most prized possession. It would bring him joy to strum on the strings and create a tune. 

But music, like his job, also brought anxiety.

“I always had this really intense anxiety before I would perform,” said Federici. “I just didn’t think I was good enough, or that anyone would want to hear me.”

He let the anxiety get the better of him. Burying his guitar in the closet, Federici spent the next seven years trying to figure out what to do with his life even though his heart was set on pursuing music.

Those years were the lowest of his life. At one point, it was a struggle just to function from day to day. 

His thoughts would turn to suicide, which is why, in his thirties, Federici asked his dad to move in with him. He was scared to be alone. Scared of what might happen if he was left to his own devices.

That all changed in August 2011. Federici quit his stressful job to focus on his dream. He began playing, writing, recording. 

“It felt right,” he said. “Music got me out of that rut and gave me hope. Everything about playing again felt right — it reminded me to follow my heart and take chances again.”

Chances met stepping out from behind the curtain and performing live, putting his anxieties aside.

In January 2012, he released his first album, Relative Importance. Next month, he will release the follow up to that debut album, Now and Then.

Federici’s first record climbed to the No. 1 spot on Brock University’s radio chart and CBC Radio began playing its tracks. Federici also took home a Niagara Music Award for adult contemporary artist of the year. His music has been compared to that of fellow Denis Morris alum Dallas Green, who has enjoyed a successful career in music, first as the crooning voice for Niagara-based Alexisonfire and now as solo act City and Colour.

Like Green, Federici is now a full-time musician. He no longer deals with the daily grind of a job which drove up his blood pressure. His workplace the local bar scene. His clients are the crowd gathered to hear him play. 

“If you would have told me in that darkest point of my life, where I’d be in two years, I would have said you were nuts,” said Federici. “It seemed so far off. Music was off the radar for so long.”

Federici’s albums also pay homage to his biggest supporter, his father. Relative Importance and Now and Then are names of poems Federici’s dad penned. Federici found them in a poetry anthology at a local library.

Federici will release the new album Sunday, June 23 at the Jordan House Tavern, 3845 Main Street in Jordan Village. Tickets are $10 and can be purchased in advance or at the doors. Doors open at 7 p.m. and Federici will perform tracks from the new album. Copies of Now and Then will be available for purchase.

The album’s first single, Sail On, is available for download on Federici’s website, www.paulfederici.ca.

“Follow your heart,” Federici advises. “And be willing to talk. Don’t be ashamed.”